With Mr. Peacuck out the door, I think it's time for a fun refresher on how to continue to sabotage, undermine, and conduct guerrilla warfare against RTO for those of us lowly peasants who live within 60 miles of the office.
Most of you are already doing this anyway, as the home office is looking pretty pathetic most days, but for those who are new or have generally acquiesced with RTO, these guidelines will help you fight back in no time:
- Excuses, excuses, excuses. During any given week, you should strive to not make quota. To aid you in this endeavor, you can deploy a variety of excuses including kids, illness, home repair, car repair, pet issues, etc. Make an effort to tell your manager how you're really trying to make quota, and be sure to send those team WFH emails to explain what's going on that day, but stay at home as much as you possibly can.
- If you're in a position under heightened scrutiny, the favored tactic is to simply leave as early as you possibly can every day. Start leaving at lunch. Then leave before lunch. I'm personally down to about an hour in the office at this point most days. Is it a complete waste of gas and time? Of course! But this is war, and sacrifices must be made.
- Buy NOTHING at the office. Do NOT eat at the cafes. Do NOT use the facilities, including gyms. Do NOT go to the Town Halls and the other big meetings where execs keep begging people to fill up the auditorium. This might seem counterintuitive, but the idea is to both embarrass senior leadership by keeping the offices ghost towns AND make keeping the offices more expensive by paying for these subsidies no one is using (sodexo).
- And finally, do your best work at home. They honest to God really believe we were all just fa----g around during the pandemic, and that the office is better for productivity.
I hope this helps, and remember, this is a cold war now, but it's a war we will win. COVID showed that we don't have to live like this anymore. WFH is the future of work.