Listen, you want me out. And wouldn’t you know it, I want out! Gad zooks! I already simultaneously work another job and do the bare minimum here. But I ain’t leaving without “a package.” You know, the one that compensates me for the years of working for the racist middling managers and teammates that copied my homework in high school. I gave you the best years of my life, my cheekbones have faded into pre-diabetes. Forget all of that, that’s all water under the bridge.
Look, let’s drop the Holden Cauldfield ish.
You’re paying my salary, health care, 401k, SS/Medicare taxes, and all sorts of miscellaneous expenses. You were smart enough to drop office rent and pension from the negative columns.
I don’t know what I can do to get fired. A bare minimum of ethics prevents me from my co-workers’ lives harder so I plod along like Silas Marner, a late stage capitalism zombie.
The solution: offer another voluntary resignation program. I’m drinking as I write this so I forgot what you called in 5 years ago. Not that I would remember if I was sober. Look the economy and the world has changed since then. It’s time to get that program up running again. You’ll get another a batch this time. Maybe you’re thing nahh we don’t want to pay out the old ppl who are going to retire anyway. The old ppl have already been fired/left. The other old ppl are WFH and might/might not quit. You think analyzing Erisa code sections in your pajamas is more strenuous than the NY Times crossword. If so, you’re mistaken my friend!
You’ll improve the books. Make that annual McKinsey 5% reduction without putting the onus on the managers. Oh, and let me tell you something about your managers, you assume they’re keeping the core, the people that are essential, absolutely untrue!!! I really can’t say too much on this point, but my Oh my sweet lord. There are two people on my team I can think of that are being kept for “personal reasons” while we fired essential people that impacted the entire foundation of the division. I really wish I could be more frank here. I don’t want to be canceled, good thing I’m using a VPN.
Last point, getting rid off of the haters like me will send your beloved NPS score to the moon. Alice. As a bonus, I’ll stop writing on this site, so everyone wins! (By Jove, some other lucky person can get unlimited PTO, woo-hoo)