Oh Hans, brave Hans, from Ericsson’s halls,
You came to save us from dropped calls.
With Nordic charm and TED Talk flair,
You sold us dreams, then vanished air.
You spoke of “transformation,” “scale,” and “grit,”
While every core just turned to sh*t.
SAP? Anaplan? Klik, and more—
A tech stack built like a revolving door.
You promised growth, then trimmed the staff,
All while your board enjoyed a laugh.
“Customer first!”—but just in speech,
As churn outpaced what you could reach.
The numbers cooked, the forecasts tight,
Yet somehow always… not quite right.
You launched a playbook built on fluff,
While service su-ked and cuts got rough.
The field crews thinned, the wires frayed,
Yet dividends were still well paid.
Investors asked, “But what’s the plan?”
You answered with a hologram.
Your mission: Make Verizon lean.
Translation: Bleed it dry and clean.
A quarter missed? Just blame the past.
And pray the cash burn doesn’t last.
Now whispers rise: “Time to resign?”
But golden parachutes align.
You’ll exit rich, with well-spun spin—
While customers ask, “Can you hear me?”
(Still no signal. Try again.)