John, what can we do to make people leave?
Alex, when you break it down the basics, it’s quite simple.
First, let’s bring them all back to the office and treat them like children. Let’s monitor their scans and mouse clicks and let them know we’re watching. Sprinkle in some comments about productivity concerns. Eventually we’ll make it 5 days a week in the office and blame them for us having to take away their flexibility.
Alex, Next we’ll take away their vacation. We created the staffing problems last summer by threatening everyone that they’ll lose it if they don’t use it, but who cares. Blame this on them. Buying vacation… who needs that, I get 6 weeks a year, doesn’t everyone? Also, have HR look into stat holidays. Easy win.
Now for the icing on the cake. Let’s demotivate everyone by giving poor performers the same raises as our top performers. You don’t actually read those PA’s that you make everyone do, do you Alex? Let’s tell everyone we’re really worried about our young employees, but give the whole company a 5% raise to distract them from everything they just lost. No raises next year, comp planning is going to be so easy. Yeah it’s true that inflation is 10% y/y, and that they’ll lose 8% of their awake time and 3% of their after tax income to commuting.
Alex, you need to remember that employees these days are soft, they’ve got it too easy. Remember all the long hours and grinding we did to get to the top. I had still time to hit the links on the weekends, didn’t you?
Thanks for the advice John.
Alex, Did I ever mention that nothing gets me going more than a crisp white collared shirt and tie.