Participation is optional. Answer any, all, or none of the questions. Totally anonymous.
Pinky promise.
Dell Quarterly Employee Survey
By the VP of Sarcasm and Irony
1. On a scale of 1 to 5, how excited are you to provide feedback that will be carefully reviewed, summarized, ignored, and filed away forever?
2. How confident are you that leadership already knows the survey results before you submit them?
3. Which follow-up action do you expect after this survey?
A. A thoughtful action plan
B. A vague email about “listening”
C. A slide deck proving engagement is up
D. Another survey asking why survey participation is down
4. How valued do you feel when management asks for honest feedback and then explains why your feedback is wrong?
5. What is the main purpose of this survey?
A. Improving the workplace
B. Measuring employee sentiment
C. Creating the appearance of concern
D. Supporting someone’s promotion packet
6. How much do you agree with this statement: “My feedback directly contributes to leadership bonuses, even if it contributes to nothing else.”
7. If this survey leads to action, which action is most likely?
A. More meetings
B. More dashboards
C. More corporate language
D. More reminders to complete the next survey
8. How safe do you feel being completely honest in an anonymous survey that somehow still knows your department, level, manager, location, and employee group?
9. Which phrase would you most like to see retired from the survey results email?
A. “We hear you”
B. “Actionable insights”
C. “You spoke, we listened”
D. “We are committed to transparency”
10. Would you recommend this survey to a coworker?
A. Yes, if they enjoy performance art
B. Yes, if they need a break from real work
C. No, but I’ll forward the reminder anyway
D. Only if leadership completes one too
I lifted this off Mattel's board as it was trending, I am claiming no credit but I do find it funny.