Let's do it, you've got to do it. but it's optional. It's anonymous, I promise, for real.
Exxon Quarterly Employee Survey by VP of Sarcasm and Irony
- On a scale of 1 to 5, how excited are you to provide feedback that will be carefully reviewed, summarized, ignored, and filed away forever?
- How confident are you that leadership already knows the survey results before you submit them?
- Which follow-up action do you expect after this survey?
- A. A thoughtful action plan
- B. A vague email about “listening”
- C. A slide deck proving engagement is up
- D. Another survey asking why survey participation is down
- How valued do you feel when management asks for honest feedback and then explains why your feedback is wrong?
- What is the main purpose of this survey?
- A. Improving the workplace
- B. Measuring employee sentiment
- C. Creating the appearance of concern
- D. Supporting someone’s promotion packet
- How much do you agree with this statement: “My feedback directly contributes to leadership bonuses, even if it contributes to nothing else.”
- If this survey leads to action, which action is most likely?
- A. More meetings
- B. More dashboards
- C. More corporate language
- D. More reminders to complete the next survey
- How safe do you feel being completely honest in an anonymous survey that somehow still knows your department, level, manager, location, and employee group?
- Which phrase would you most like to see retired from the survey results email?
- A. “We hear you”
- B. “Actionable insights”
- C. “You spoke, we listened”
- D. “We are committed to transparency”
- Would you recommend this survey to a coworker?
- A. Yes, if they enjoy performance art
- B. Yes, if they need a break from real work
- C. No, but I’ll forward the reminder anyway
- D. Only if leadership completes one too