So many people being laid off by so many companies that it’s not a shock any more. Bad news just gets added to the pile like the interest on a Wonga loan. The first redundancy news was a shock, but it just keeps coming; waves and waves of sh*t hitting the beach from offshore – and no, I don’t mean yer average crew change chopper!
The last time so many Audi keys got handed back at once was after the great Westhill Wife Swap of O-Eight. Almost as many people got shafted there too.
Aye, the oil industry has always been a lively one. Employing a mix of the brainiac boffin, the legal eagle, the cold blooded financiers, the autistic engineering fraternity, the criminally insane the those mysterious cnts that make careers out of doing fck all but create red tape makes it feel like a well paid global asylum at the best of times. It can turn nasty when people’s livelihoods are put under threat. That makes sense – it’s the same in every industry. Humans are pre-programmed to look after their families and fight off anything that presents a danger. The thing is, when the oil industry is already populated by c*nts with a penchant for fighting and stirring sh--e, a bout of redundancies turns into a real life Running Man.
Companies turn it into a fcking sport. Office departments get lines painted down the middle, and it’s every cnt on the left versus every c*nt on the right. Bluetooth keyboards getting smashed into people’s throats, HSE staff gliding past on office chairs, silently stapling people’s foreskins to notice boards as they pass, the fat office sleaze bent over the photocopier getting the PA’s desk cactus jack-hammered up his arse as his torment gets scanned and emailed to the board of directors and HR for them to score out of ten as they do lines of ching off the boardroom tabletop while getting fellated by middle management below it. Apocalyptic scenes over the CCTV on the big screen depicting the carnage as people’s vital signs fade into straight lines. Winners stay on for the next round.
STOP cards and written warnings for any c*nt without a lid on their coffee cup though.
The amount of baby oil getting used below the table by middle management should be enough to keep a barrel above eighty dollars, but even the efforts of those slippery wankers are in vain.
So what’s causing it? Over supply? But wait – we’ve been told that oil will run out soon. Our trusted state propaganda machine even told us the North Sea would empty faster than Cliff Richards raisins at a Young Ones reunion. Twenty twenty was stated at one point. We’re bearing down on that date rapidly, and the North Sea is pumping faster than a Pebble Mill backstage party. The low oil price means they have to go hell for leather to make the same profits. Perhaps the crippling tax rates for North Sea production have more of an effect than the oil price itself – even at the present “low” value’ it’s still triple the price it was when I joined the industry. I reckon we’ll see thirty odd more years of oil production in the North Sea. It’ll still run out before the Chilcott Enquiry results are published.
There is a game getting played by the Saudi’s though. The henchman of the OPEC cartel, Saudi Arabia is bored with lopping the heads off the good guys in this Hollywood farce, and now they’re a more forward thinking nemesis. Saudi has a f*ckton of money, and has such huge reserves that it shoots oil in its soon to be first world wet dreams. Their strategy is simple – use both to get richer. Pump as much oil as they can to flood the market, bringing the global prices down. Take the short term hit, and sit there waiting for other countries and companies go bust, then get out the cheque book and invest, increasing global market share.
Their two hundred billion dollar fund will pick up a lot of needy oil companies. After that, choke back the taps, watch the price sky rocket, watch the big money roll in and control the world. Simple.
They’re not banking on one thing though – when a redneck American goes all in at the Casino and loses, he’ll just pull a gun and rob the place. This game of poker will not end well for somebody. You’d think their mates over in Iraq would have a quiet word.
If the Russkies have a poor tattie season on top of all this, all merry hell could break loose.
Either way, as long as the oil price goes up and my money comes in, I don’t give a f--k.
Typical mercenary rig pig eh?