As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as R***. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are R*d will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside our company. Provided they are being RD, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of operation will be known a--****. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers)
All employees who have been RD and SD may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RD once, SD twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RD or S**D by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure the employees receive our Special High Intensity Training (S). The company takes pride in the amount of S our employees receive. We have given our employees more S than any other company in this industry. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough S on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure that you receive all the S***you can stand.