For the CEO (joke)

Chevron, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of IT dept, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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The TEN Truisms

It’s easy to predict the future, because we’ve done it all before.

We will only involve management in decisions that affect procedures, equipment and transformation.

We will save money no matter how much it costs to achieve a PMP goal.

Projects will be done on a “Near Enough is Good Enough” basis, with optional commissioning and documentation.

We will outsource blame and accountability with any left, going to the 5 Who’s.
WHO (Broke It, Did It, Saw It, Signed It, Spilt It,)

We will use meetings with secretive outcomes, to maintain the illusion of budget responsibility.

We will exceed the requirements for bureaucracy, in Competence, Compliance and Safety.

We will maintain dedicated systems, safety devices and address abnormal situations, by following rules, regulations, documentation and drawings. If they can be found!

We will do it slowly or not at all.

Finally, everyone is Fit for, Denunciation, Dismissal, Discarding, Disposal, Deletion, Discharge, Departure, Dispatch.

I was rooting for him to say “Him? Oh, that’s our HR partner or is him with SCM?, never mind, dead weigh both of them”

3 CEO's were in a jail cell.

The first guy said "I got put in here because I raised my prices and the government accused me of price gouging"

The second guy replied, "Really, I got put here because I lowered my prices and the government accused me of unfair competition!"

The third guy then said, "Damn, I got put here because I just set my prices to the market level and I got accused of collusion!"

What's the difference between a Mosquito and a CEO
A mosquito will admit it's a bloodsucker

A teacher asked her students to write an essay about " what would I do if I were CEO of a Chevron"
She notices one of the kids is just looking out the window. So she askes him "Why are you not writing your essay?"

He answers :"I'm waiting for my assistant to come and type it for me"

Thread regarding Chevron Corp. layoffs

For the CEO (joke)

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