IBM Translations:
RA = layoff
Partnering or Strategic Partnership with = paying customer
Hybrid Cloud = server hosting or datacenter hosting
What are some other IBMisms?
27 replies (most recent on top)
LaaS = Layoff as a Service
GR Remix = layoff EMEA/US resources and hire India/Costa Rica resources
Decom = get rid of stuff and layoff people who used to work with the stuff
Roadmap = Road to nowhere and do more layoffs
(in Checkpoint) "Expects More" = while, technically, it means the worst Checkpoint mark telling that you are not meeting the expectations, one of possible explanations I got was: We were tasked to give every employee at least one "Expects More".
hahaha, yea, i got one of those that appeared to be just assigned randomly. When I asked what the hell is this? I just got the same explanation with more rhymes and riddles.
To cut a long story short ... this ultimately led me to getting another job outside IBM.
What a complete joke.
Execs - money for nothing
marketing - see above
IBM - In b—s— mode
equality - your all equally on the list to be cut
"Expects more." This is true. Every manager has been coached by HR to assign an 'expects more' to every employee. Doesn't matter if you knock it out of the park year in, year out. But it does lay the groundwork for a credible RA justification. Thanks IBM - that exceeds expectations.
Agile = doing more paperwork than before, with additional new tools like Jira, Trello, Mural. Also, management tells you what to do and when. Because, you know, Agile.
Great opportunity to grow = getting moved to a place so fundamentally flawed, that anything including a fire in the server room is an improvement. Or, being sent to retirement.
(in Checkpoint) "Expects More" = while, technically, it means the worst Checkpoint mark telling that you are not meeting the expectations, one of possible explanations I got was: We were tasked to give every employee at least one "Expects More". So we decided to put it to this category, because you are really good at that and we need you to focus on this more in the next quarter.
"Sunday Night Dread" - A psychological condition particularly prevalent amongst IBM employees that increases in proportion to age.
Growth Platform... beats me.
Town hall = sh!t hall
Email: Blog spam channel
All Hands Meeting: Gibberish gathering
Sunrise: Something that will make you appreciate mornings less
"Low Hanging Fruit" - Those employees less likely to make a fuss, storm out or reveal embarrassing secrets when selected for "Workforce Rightsizing".
"Unpack" - A closer examination and dissection of ideas and concepts to reveal how utterly awful and ill-conceived they were in the first place.
"Bleeding Edge" - Bug-ridden and unfit for purpose and because Marketing stipulated an early release (See also "Reputational Damage" and "Irate Client").
"Incentivize" - To threaten.
"Deep Dive" - Delegation of an intractable issue by a senior manager/exec to a bunch of over-worked technicians, to (a) divert the blame and (b) identify the next "workforce optimisation" candidates.
"Strategy" - an assortment of loosely related ideas and buzzwords hurriedly collated by a clueless senior tech, then short-listed by an even more clueless C-suite exec because it was the most aesthetically pleasing Powerpoint deck.
Duty manager - a complete waste of space
Appraisal - a scripted monologue delivered by an indifferent but slightly embarrassed manager you've never met, explaining that 'leveraging synergies' means you're getting f**k all.
'Sales Driven' - fundamentally flawed from the outset.
Automation = "additional people billing to the accounts"
IBM Hybrid Cloud - conventional datacentre hosting with the words 'hybrid' and 'cloud' appended.
EPH = Early Professional Hire (AKA not you)
Dynamic Delivery = sending all jobs to India
Lame mate
IBM = "I B Moving".
"promotion" - Getting 2x responsibility but only 2% raise.
"bonus" - Gas money for a month
A few from IBM as well as corporate America.
"Synergies" - some sort of collective effort to do something - don't ask me what.
"Metrics" - I've never met a corporate person who could explain this gibberish to me.
Why is it "metrics"; shouldn't it just as well be "SAEs". We are in America and that's our measurement system.
"Leveraging" something or some group to an end result (I think). Why the hell not just say "Using"?
That's what it comes down to.
"Sunsetting" - IBM-ese for "getting rid of"
"Action Plan" - IBM management testicular fragmenting on all concerned each day with reports, meetings, yadda, yadda to fix a problem.