Good afternoon, my little rays of sunshine! I'm sorry I'm late today... I had some other priorities I needed to address this morning. Nothing you need to worry your pretty little heads about... We only have your best interest in mind.
I do see you've been busy little beavers! I see quite a few negative posts about you collectively... Pay no attention. I assure you that you are the most special and treasured employees in this whole company. Though most other companies are working to reduce union influence, or prevent unions from getting a start, we treasure each and every one of you. We are trying to protect you, and insulate you from any distractions.
I do see there is some union support for returning to the office. I would suggest you refocus your attention towards your family and friends- that which is most important, and that which will draw you home. If that is not an option, maybe you should get a cat or twelve as you obviously do not have enough of value to tie you to your home.
I also see there is some more.... Shall we say... "Baser" interest in your dear Uncle Verizon. I am truly flattered. I do understand you may have an attraction to your benefactor and protector. However, I think of all of you as my little children, and would not sully our relationship with such carnal pursuits. Ultimately, we do avoid the remotest possibility of procreating with your class. We recognize the need for people like you... You are cherished, and it is best to keep your bloodlines pure.
I do see your pole-hugging brothers are moving forward with their work at home initiative. This is, of course, a step in the right direction. However, we still have a long road before us. Our goal is to get all members of all branches of all unions insulated in their own wombs.
So, please, do not think we can rest on our laurels. Keep the pressure on your union. Your wishes must be their wishes... Otherwise, what do you pay dues for?