I see a lot of disgruntled people here. Many complaints about poor pay, lack of career progression, carrying the weight of cr---y colleagues, out of touch leaders, etc.
I’ve been massively successful at Nike even though the last time I did any actual work was sometime during the Bush Administration. So as a public service I’m going to reveal a few of my secrets in hopes that some of you will leverage my ability to be completely worthless, but looked-upon as an absolute rock-star. Get a pen and some paper because class is now in session kiddies:
- Do the very minimum required to keep your job but at the same time act as a relentless self-promoter. I cannot overemphasize how important this is.
- Take credit for other peoples’ work when you can reasonably get away with it. Yes you’ll anger those people but that doesn’t really matter. It isn’t about them. It’s all about YOU!
- Pass the buck whenever possible. If someone else can do it, you shouldn’t. And remember: someone else can ALWAYS do it.
- Every once in awhile grab a random stack of files or something and just start walking around frantically. Doesn’t matter what you’re carrying or where you're going since this is all performative.
- Develop a working vocabulary of inane buzzwords and relentlessly employ those in meetings. If you don’t call something “high heat” at least twice per week you need to step it up. “Oh yeah, that AirZoomMax666? That’s some high heat product right there.”
- Say the word “diversity” at least three times per week. Make sure there are no fewer than four other people in the room each time.
- Whenever possible in casual conversations make sure you slyly reference your vacation ‘cottage’ in some vacuous, white bread location: “I’ll be at my cottage in Black Butte and Sunriver next week but don’t worry, I’ll be online.” If - IF - you can pull it off, also mention you’ll be away for a couple weeks at your family’s estate in Bordeaux. You’ll sound suave and uppity, and people will be VERY impressed.
- Stay up to date on mindless pop culture happenings. You do NOT want to get caught in a hallway conversation not knowing who “The Masked Singer” was last night.
- Equip all of your vehicles with Nike/Swoosh license plate covers. This is important!
- If you were supposed to do or deliver something and you didn’t, blame some type of technology. Bad Internet, crashed computer. Whatever. Don’t worry…no one will ever say “Why does your computer crash four times every month?”
- Likewise if you’re ever in a meeting or around a group of people and you got caught having flaked on something because you just didn’t want to do it, the proper response is always “I’ll have to look into that. Let’s take this offline.” You are then free to immediately forget about it.
- Whenever you pass someone in a hallway give them a big ol’ smile, point your arm and finger at them, and confidently say “There you are!” Do not ever stop and actually engage this person in conversation! Just keep walking. That person may not even know who you are but they will think you’re cool and probably someone important.
- When you know something bad has happened and a group of people will need to urgently get together and get something done quickly, find some place to hide. Post haste. You should NEVER be around when a problem needs to be solved urgently.
I could tell you more of my secrets but I’ve already revealed too much. Follow in my steps and enjoy the good Nike life! And always remember: People say nothing is impossible. But that isn’t true because I do nothing everyday.