I'm sure I missed a few, but here is a recap of the highlights:
Employee Appreciation Day - "I work for you", so you should really appreciate that bite size chocolate candy bar & throwaway mini led flashlight! I realize that it only cost us $2 a head, but at least you got to shake my hand & "Who doesn't like chocolate?"!
Hiring Shortage - We are still trying to hire anyone who isn't qualified, as long as they can pass a background check!
We Have a Retention Problem - Hey, we are bringing back employee family day for the 30% of workers who have kids in the home! Also, with our $50 million record 4th quarter revenue we are hoping to buy everyone a shirt! Once we can scrape enough money together to turn the parking lights on again, we will look into getting those bathroom leaks fixed! You better appreciate that 2% raise coming on April Fool's Day!
Collaboration Is Key - Management is now going to work together to find better ways of screwing you!
Question & Answer (Elephant In The Room) - How long will the doors stay open with Panasonic's giga factory setting up shop just down the road, hiring 4,000 people at an average wage of $40/hr, better benefits and state of the art facilities?