Daley: “How do I post updates on Tweeter?”
Mike S: “What are these people in India actually DOING that keeps the bank functioning?” How do I even get ahold of them - what # do I dial?? Yes I KNOW I’m CFO but I never took accounting!!”
Darrel C: “You want me to TRADE??? I uh… don’t actually know the difference between a stock and a bond?? How in the world do you expect me to trade and answer phones at the same time??”
Barry S: “Sorry - I don’t know anything related to banking - I’ve been getting by on my chiseled-looks all these years …I’ll go flirt with the female reporters on CNBC.”
Charlie: “Where’s my company car?? I need to get in to the office and act like I know something!! Thank goodness we have a lot of executives with institutional knowledge…what…I let them all go??? I’m going to call some of my buddies at the NYC Ballet and see if they can help.”
SVB: “Somebody get Mary on the line!! Ok - let’s get the Board Members to open some of the brick and mortars. What do you mean that none of our Board Members know anything about banking 😩?? How in the world do you get this bank drawer to open….??”
Kristy F: Giggling to herself, “Who said there is limited talent among black executives??”
Jon W: “What in the world is CIB- I never could understand all these F’ng acronyms..ohh…I’m CEO of CIB…well this sure is a terrible time to find THAT out…”
Daley: “I’m going to contact some of my old pals in the government…oh they’re no longer with us?? My condolences.”
Tracy K: “How do I log in to the system?? The system locks after 3 attempts? Voice Recognition doesn’t recognize my voice Grrr. I’ll call the Help Desk….we moved them to where??”
Derek F: “This is indeed a very “risky” scenario. Sorry - I can’t help with real-world risks - I’ll be sure to create more box-checking activities for the future…”
Charlie: “We will get it done!”
Bei L: “I can’t get through to anyone in HR! It’s just an endless loop of phone-tree options!”
Kleber: “Thank goodness I sold all my stock - this place is a shitshow!”
Scott P: Voicemail: “I’m out of the office on a two-week R.A. Please leave a message and I will respond promptly in two weeks.”
SVB: “Email is down!! How do I get on to that “What is” app?”
Charlie: “This is a disaster!! I was just here for the stock options and there is no getting this pos bank stock up….what… Jerome is on the phone?? Tell him this is all due to legacy issues …I quit!”