I've got a problem. My mother is requiring a lot of my attention - due to her memory loss. It's really difficult for me. There isn't anyone else who can care for her. She has no assets. Typically, I'm the one helping her with money. She lives in her own house 30 miles away. I'm missing a lot of work because of this (couldn't be at a worse time - with layoffs in the air). She's like a ball and chain. I'd like to say something to my manager so that he's aware - but it's personal - not really something I'd like to talk about at work. Add to this a general depression over her condition, a recent death in the family, and a 15% cut in Qualcomm's workforce coming. Any reasonable advice would be helpful.
22 replies (most recent on top)
My OTHER ADVICE?
This is grim, but harsh realist. You need to be ready for what happens AFTER. The funeral arrangements, money, inheritance, probate if there is an estate, and the most unpredictable part-- FAMILY. Extended family can turn some bad things into a literal nightmare.
My ADVICE?
Look into FMLA (family medical leave act). I am 100% POSITIVE they give leave for elder care of a family member.
Used to be you could go on leave for up to 12 weeks, but you only get an EDD check for 6 weeks. You can do a sporadic thing too, where you only work 3 days aweek or something if you have doctors appointments and whatnot.
I feel your pain, friend. My mother just passed away this spring, after a long battle with rheumatoid arthritis, copd, heart failure, and finally renal failure. Im from back east and don't really have any support group here apart from spouse and kids. I'm stil suffering from all kinds of panic attacks, depression,anxieties, grief, and "-isms" I dont care to know about.
Moms had been along with me for the ride since she was diagnosed when I was 8. Towards the end, she also had some alzheimers going, but I realized that was least of our worries. One of the worst things anyone ever has to do is watch a dearly beloved slowly deteriorate and die in our care.
I missed a LOT of time during the last 5 years and tho a good employee, I pushed the envelope of goodwill towards the end. I injured my back right around the time at the end when she was fighting her last battle, so I was literally in mental AND extreme physical pain and disabled myself.
She never wanted to live in a nursing facility. Everytime she got really sick, I was always torn between her wishes and trying to keep her alive. I would have to leave home in the morning to go to work, not knowing if I would come home to find my loved one dead some days. That was too much a hill for me to climb some days.
Unless you really trust your manager, I would not tell him about your situation.
There have already been many good comments here. Having gone through layoffs and tough times before working for many other companies, I highly recommend against sharing personal issues/stories with your managers or co-workers. Most of these people will probably use your issues against you at some point instead of being supportive. Wish you well.
I also had a "bad mom" who was mentally unstable, abusive, and neglectful when I was a kid. Although she was not an addict, like yourself I was forced to fend for myself since a very young age. I also put myself thourgh school and got my MSEE while working at qualcomm but later changed industriesr so I am not going to offer advice about speaking with your boss. However I would very strongly recommend you attend an ACA meeting here in San Diego to get some group support http://www.adultchildren.org/ I feel your pain, There are many who struggle with the after effects of having a bad childhood due to parental abandonment.
Also sessions with a private counselor might be helpful. Put your own needs first. When you are happy and healthy you will be better equipped to support your mom and handle job challenges. good luck !
Same situation. I would start with the County Aging & Independence services and here http://www.dhcs.ca.gov/services/ltc/Pages/AssistedLivingWaiver.aspx. I am sure you already visited http://www.alz.org/sandiego/ and https://www.alz.org/care/alzheimers-dementia-medicaid.asp. You'll make it, and feel proud about it. Good luck.
If you believe that caring for your mother has impacted your work, I think that you should privately tell your boss, and let him know that you expect to do better in the future. Everyone has a human side to them.
Also, you should probably look into getting Assisted Living or a Nursing Home care for your mother. If your mother does not have the financial resources, she should be able to qualify for Medi-Cal (which is California's Medicaid program). Not every place will accept a patient on Medi-Cal, but I think you can find a decent place that accepts Medi-Cal. I think that Medi-Cal will cover all of her care, after her financial resources are gone.
I am glad that you did not abandon her. You are doing the right thing. Helping her to find and get care can be the right thing too. If you can get her into Assisted Living or a Nursing Home, you will still be able to visit her.
Been there, wearing the t-shirt. The first thing I would recommend is that you call a local Alzheimer's support group and get as much info as possible. At the very least they can give you numbers to call for further help. For example, there are often County programs that provide relatively reasonably-priced day care for seniors with Alzheimer's while their family members work. The second thing I would recommend is telling one of your managers--the one least likely to act like a f*cking tool--about your situation. If you can't trust your managers, you may have to chance it with HR. I don't know if applying for leave under FMLA would help or hurt you under QCOM, at present, given the impending layoff, but it IS an option, that you might want to consider. If your mom has spent down assets below the poverty level, and needs constant supervision, or is prone to violent outbursts, you should explore getting her admitted to a care facility--assuming she isn't already--before she seriously injures herself when she's alone. If she is financially eligible for MediCal, Medicaid usually picks up the tab once your mom's assets are spent below the $2,000 mark. If your mom is the widow of a former Vet, she was married to him at the time of death, she may qualify for care in a Vet's home. Both UCSD and Stanford have some of the best Vets care in the nation. They can also advise you on benefits information. The down side is that you have to register for all of this stuff, which on top of work can be overwhelming. Also, once your mom is registered, you have to be careful about her sources of income. In other words, if your mom is currently the beneficiary of your IRA and life insurance policies, you should speak to an attorney about changing it so that in the even of your untimely demise, the moeny goes into a special needs trust/supplemental needs trust that names her as the beneficiary. Good luck.
I would reccomend telling your Boss. Atleast the least he would know the reason for your absences, rather than thinking you are goofing off. If not your boss, you should definitely tell your coworkers, so the information percolates to him. I dont think QC has gotten to the toxic level, where this would be used against you.
Other than that, if you are not already very efficient, you should get very efficient, and spend all the 8 hours at work very productively, and focus on getting things done.. Don't waste your time browsing or with other frivolous activities.. there are many single parents/mothers with newborns etc., who essentially do the same.
How about getting some monetary help from the other 3 siblings?
Sorry, but you are screwed. At-will employment means that qcom can fire you for any reason. Your only chance is to make up a discrimination or whistle blower scenario that will hold up in court.
MediCal is the way to go
I think you need to call to see what sort of MediCal assistance you can get. If she at or below the poverty line, she should be able to qualify for Medicaid( sorry. I previously said MediCal...my bad). Isn't the the entire premise of covered California?
Definitely do NOT tell your boss. Its for the same reason if you have major health issues, that unless you have a boss that really cares about you, he won't give a shit at best...and at worst will use whatever information against you. Is letting your mom live with you an option (at least until it is sorted out?)
Try here: http://www.elmcroft.com/community/las-villas-del-norte/
Yeah, she's way below poverty level - and has been since I was 15 years old. Due to all the chaos she brought to the house I left home at 18 with no education. I was able to get a BSEE at a state school and then my employer paid for my MSEE. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself - but yeah, it was pretty hard just to take care of myself and I'm proud I was able to do this (get my education). Honestly, my mother, how she lived her life and how she didn't raise us is a serious issue for me. Out of four kids I'm stuck with the responsibility. 40% of me would like to abandon her - as she did with all of us.
Getting back on topic: should I tell my boss? I've been gone for a long time - seemingly for no reason.
In the sort term, how about let her move in with you?Also can she get on mediCal? If she literally has no income or lives below poverty, state mediCal program might subsidize the cost of the care.
Here income is about $1,600 per month. I don't have the money to pay for this.
There is nothing wrong with putting your mother in a nursing home (except for the $90K per year it costs). Many feel obligated, but if the load is too much, get help. Or hire babysitters to babysit and give yourself a night off several nights a week.
OP - First of all never call your parents 'ball and chain'. Second, if you have the slightest chance of being in the 15%, I would recommend to start looking sooner rather than later... Imagine, thousands of engineers trying to look for job, and that too in the last quarter. Forget the GTFO package, and think like an engineer (thinking ahead for solution before issues arise)
This is very difficult, I am going through a similar situation with my mom (dementia), I can relate. Your options are very limited here. Cannot help with a reasonable advice (aside from 'try to survive' which is what I am trying to do)...