Please listen carefully to the entire painfully slow recitation of our menu options as they are generated at random.
If you would like to talk to a qualified IBM technical support representative then please contact your local unemployment office, fiverr.com or Craig's List. If you would like to talk to an Indian prison convict who is working out of a repurposed textile mill that's constructed mostly out of asbestos then press 1.
If you would like to leave a message, voicing your support for IBM hiring US citizens to replace the US citizens we recently sacked then press 2, wait for the tone and say "Thank you Mister Trump for supporting IBM, a truly patriotic and American company. I am very glad that I voted for you because you put America first".
If you would like to hear Ginni Rometty and the board of directors laughing as they throw money at each other then press 3.
If you wish for our sales department to lie to you, press 4.
If you would like The Hold Queue To Nowhere then press 5.
If you would like to attempt to contact technical support through our web site then please visit "http://sap12.abandoned-data-center-14.ibm.com/barelyfunctional/" and enter your secret code. If you do not have a secret code then search your IBM hardware, software, manuals, promotional material, empty envelopes and packing material for it. If your secret code is rejected and you are wondering if it's because you are using the wrong code or if it's because our web site is crashing then try to enter it again. If the web site acts in a way that does not resemble the way it acted any of the other times you tried to use the web site then either you have the wrong code or our web site is crashing. If the web site responds in the same way it responded in prior attempts then you are accessing some other company's web site, check the URL and try again.
Press 0 at any time to talk to a human...sounding program that will repeat the aforementioned options in a condescending tone.
The menu option recording will now end and the line will remain dead until you make a selection. Thank you.